The Fifth Floor
by imsortofawriter
Summary: The Doctor has lost so many. Can he save Ari from herself? Trigger Warning: Suicide and mentions of SH.
1. L'inizio Della Fine

This wasn't how I imagined my life - or my death for that matter.

And if I were to go back and ask my childhood self where I would be in 10 years, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have guessed here.

It's not like this was the plan. I was just... always so good at make believe. I studied the role and played my part to perfection.

Middle school was easy, children are overlooked all the time. "Hormones. Those are the real affliction of early adolescence." That's what they all said.

Then came high school. New mask, same old circus. I hid emotions that were too inconvenient for everyone and fabricated the ones I was expected to have. I was "that happy kid." Joyous even. No one even knew it was coming when I tried to kill myself senior year.

I remember thinking, **_"They'll be so surprised. How's that for happy."_** And when I failed, no one thought twice about my one-day absence from school. I wasn't even hospitalized. So this just became another secret, another lie, another layer. Not a soul on this earth knew about that failed attempt or how deeply it stung.

 ** _Too stupid to even get that right, eh, Ari? Too scared to try again, huh? You can't even commit to a proper death. You're so useless. It's truly an achievment. They should give you an award. Most useless person alive. Just end it already - for everyone's sake._**

And I guess it's a little true. I was a little scared. Not really of dying. I was more afraid that I would mess it up again and they would all know. They would all see what I had spent years hiding. They would realize that it was all a facade.

But I'm so tired now.

I feel like everyone says that.

I'm just really, really exhausted. And sad. And angry. And so many other emotions all at once. I've always been what I needed to be - what **people** needed me to be. That's what I thought, at least. I always thought that I was "that" friend. The one that they could lean on and confide in. But the further along I got, the more I realized that I am replaceable.

 **I** am the expendable crew member.

I'm the red shirt.

What do I bring to the table that another friend or a therapist can't do better? Nothing.

That's not the reason I'm doing this, though. Make no mistake, in the end it will be so much better when I'm gone. Trim the fat, cut off the dead weight. It'll all be better.

You'll all be better.

And I know that if you're reading this, then it means I really am gone and you might be really angry. Know that I made up my mind you weren't going to stop me - or save me.

I believe in you. You are destined for greatness.

All my love,

Ariana Vargas.


	2. As High As I Can

**_Stop thinking. Just do. You always think too much. The world would be better if for once in your life you just D I D something._**

The voice was an old friend.

It had been with Ari for years now and it seemed to be intent on staying. It had stayed through middle school and high school and all the way up to this cold, lonely parking garage. It had been with her when she cut herself for the first time and it was there to help her hide the damage in the morning. It was there when she tried to end her life the first time and it was the first thing she heard when she awoke the next morning. It knew her greatest weaknesses and preyed upon her insecurities.

She and the voice, they go way back.

 ** _Just do, Ari... just. do._**

The winter wind gently swirled around Ari's body in a final embrace as she stooped to weigh her note down with a rock. She walked toward the concrete wall of the car park with a solemn purpose in her steps. She took care to find her footing as she used the stair railing to boost herself on top of the wall. She situated herself ever so carefully. Her legs dangled over the edge as her body began to quiver. She couldn't tell if it was the cold or her body trying to send signals that her brain couldn't receive.

She knew it was deserted and eerily quiet, but at the same time everything felt so loud. As if she'd suddenly become aware of all the little details. She could hear her heart thumping and the blood rushing in her ears. She could feel her hair sting her cheeks as the bitter wind whipped it to and fro. She could feel the cold pavement underneath her legs and the weight of gravity pulling at her feet. She had a million thoughts buzzing around her head, but could only focus on one - **_"just let go, Ari._** "


	3. A Stranger

"Here we go. Helloooooo, Nor--

No hang on.

This is all wrong. NO.

No, No, No."

He paced around the police box, shaking his finger as though he were scolding a child.

"Right time. You've brought me to the right time... But the WRONG PLACE." He shouted the last two words into the still-open door of the police box.

He continued frustratedly pacing the concrete floor as he mumbled about how _"you always do this"_ and _"I should have stolen a different one."_

The door shut violently as if someone had slammed it.

"Come on, now," he shouted at the box. "You can't lock me out forever!! Is it too much to ask that we go where we're SUPPOSED to be?!"

The man kicked a rock and watched it roll before he realized that it had been holding down a piece of paper. He knelt down and picked up what appeared to be a letter.

 _"This wasn't how I imagined my life - or my death for that matter..."_

That is never how one wants to see a letter begin. And in his hundreds and hundreds of years of life, this man had seen his fair share of letters just like this one. And every single one froze him from the inside out. The chill began at his stomach and crept its way up his esophagus until his vocal cords were ice and his tongue froze solid. It's hard to say how many screams had clawed their way past those frostbitten lips. Too many to count. Too many to **want** to count. So many friends and enemies lost and now long forgotten by their worlds. But not by him. Never by him.

His eyes finally rested on the last five words of the letter.

 _"... All my love, Ariana Vargas."_

A tear slipped down his face as a heavy weight settled on his shoulders. He felt the burden of those gone and taken in a battle they had no choice in fighting. As he lifted his eyes, he noticed a figure on the wall, outlined by the moonlight. He spied the shaking shoulders and the quivering body. He recognized the familiar slump of heavy shoulders that carry a weight far heavier than they were intended to bear. But she didn't notice him.

In fact, she'd been so consumed by her own whirlwind of thoughts that she hadn't even realized she wasn't alone anymore. She hadn't heard the clunk as the police box materialized and landed uncerimoniously on the concrete. She hadn't been distracted by the man's cries of frustration when the police box was locked from the inside. Even the lack of sound after the sudden uproar hadn't been enough to jarr her back into reality. It wasn't until she heard her name that it all came crashing back into real time.


	4. Kind Eyes

"Ariana Vargas."

She turned slowly as though waking from a dream.

"That is your name, right? Listen to me, Ariana. I need you to come down very carefully. Turn slowly and ease down."

Ari's thoughts shifted suddenly.

 ** _Where did he come from? Why is there a telephone box on the fifth floor? How does he know who I am? Is he here to take me?_**

 ** _Oh no. Oh what if he's from the hospital. But I didn't hear any sirens??_**

"Ariana? Can we please talk? Come off the wall and we can talk."

He walked so carefully as he approached Ariana. Like it was thin ice and any wrong move would send them both into frigid waters.

Finally, caving to her curiosity. "Who even are you?"

"Oh! I'm the Doctor."

"Oh no. Oh God, please no. You **_are_** from the hospital. I knew it." Her heart leapt into her throat as the words tumbled out of her mouth in a frenzied stream.

"I knew someone was going to notice if I sat here too long. I knew I should've just **done** it. Why do I always ruin everything?"

Panic began to take hold of every cell of Ariana's body. She couldn't control the shivering any more and her chest started to feel tight. Her arms tingled and the world started to swirl a little.

She grasped the wall as tight as she could. Knuckles white, Ariana fought to stay balanced. She wanted to die, but if she was going to go out, it was going to be on her own terms. The world would not force another thing on her. It would not steal **this** moment. It had taken so much already, but this - her death - was her own.

The Doctor stepped slowly in her direction, hands raised and voice low and quiet.

"Ariana, listen. Please. My name is the Doctor. I can help you."

She scoffed, "Everyone says that.

 _'I can help.'_ But no one really means it. They don't even understand what that entails. It's far too inconvenient. Too much work. And then when they've done their good dead, they expect me to suddenly be all better. Like their magic touch cured me."

"I'm not trying to cure you, Arian--"

"Ari!" She shouted, "They call me Ari."

The Doctor was nearly to the wall now, "Ari. I'm here to help. Truly."

Ari stared hard at the ground below as she debated her next move.

"Listen, I'm going to climb onto the wall next to you. Please just - stay there."

The Doctor hoisted himself up onto the wall and situated himself about an arms length away. He could see that Ari was still shaking despite the wind having died down.

Now that he was next to her, it was much easier to take it all in.

Her knuckles were white from grasping the wall, her jeans torn from climbing onto it. The tear exposed a thigh that had clearly been cut recently. But more than that, it had scars that told a story of years of pain and anguish and shame and self destruction. Years of reckless behavior to mask hurt. Years of blood and bitterness and anger.

The Doctor knew that story all too well. He'd been that way once.

More than once, truth be told.

"I have lived a very long life," he began. "I've seen the most beautiful parts of the universe and met the most incredible beings. I have experienced the purest joy and happiness one can ever feel. But I have also felt the depths of anguish and the weight of shame. I have lost and taken more times than I care to remember."

"I know what scars like those," he motioned to her leg, "feel like. I know that the pain you feel is suffocating and you're just trying to breathe. I know you've been drowning in this hurt and no one seemed to notice. And I know that you think that they'd all be better off if you were gone, but deep down you still hope they will cry bitter tears when you die."

"I know that some small part of you keeps asking you 'what if' in hopes that you'll fight. I know that you have such **_kind_** eyes, but they have been so blinded by pain that they can no longer **_see the kindness_** and hope in the world."

A tear slid down her cheek as she replied, "I just want to stop hurting."

The Doctor moved closer, "This will not do that."

"This will not resolve like you want it to. There is no clean, quick end. There will always be collateral damage and you will not have left the world without carrying that pain.

You deserve to not have to carry that pain. You deserve have the chance to be hopeful."

He reached over and gently grabbed her hand as he scooted closer. "You deserve to live, Ariana Vargas. Not survive. Live."


	5. The Descent

All at once, the tears she'd held back came flooding out. The Doctor wrapped his arm around her as sobs shook her body. Ariana had never been one to share emotions, but in this moment, she couldn't stop. All the feelings she had worked to bury deep and push away were floating to the surface. And the Doctor stayed. He stayed for the snot and the puffy eyes and he held her. And eventually, the downpour subsided.

Ariana looked intently at the Doctor. This stranger. "I'm not sure I'm ready to live. I'm not sure I can so easily give up my way out. I want to tell you that I'm okay and suddenly fine now, but I'm not."

"I'm not asking for you to be cured, Ari. I'm just asking that you consider fighting. I can't make the decision for you. I want so badly for you to live and love and experience wonder and hope and life. But I cannot choose it for you."

The Doctor slid off the wall onto the concrete floor, "Dying here. That is your own decision. As such, living and fighting - that must also be your own decision."

He turned slowly and began walking back toward the police box. He paused, "The world would benefit greatly from your contribution. It's a better place with you in it."

The door opened and a warm light flooded out. As he stepped in, the door shut and the box began whirring and grinding until it just... vanished.

Ari sat quietly on the wall as she pondered everything that happened.

 ** _Listen, Ari. It's not worth it. Does an hour of emotion change years of damage. No. You're too broken to be any good. You know it. You're not worth the time and energy it would take. You've made it this far. For once in your life, just do the right thing. Just jump._**

"I **have** made it this far," she whispers.

"I've made it 24 years. I have fought tooth and nail to be where I am. And it sucks. It's terrible and I hate myself and I've never felt more alone in my life. But I've already spent so much time here. I've invested so much time and energy in my life. Why not stay longer? What if the Doctor is right? What if I fight and I get to actually live?"

 ** _He was a stranger! A nobody. Who is the Doctor to comment?_**

"He was someone who cared."

The Doctor had landed the TARDIS at the bottom of the parking garage, just in case. He could see Ariana from there and it was clear that she was seriously considering her options. She sat so still as she stared intently at the darkness in front of her. Occasionally you could see her lips move as though she were having a conversation.

Finally, she halted - she had reached a decision.

The Doctor prepared himself to catch her in the TARDIS if he needed to, he had watched too many die to not save this one. But instead of leaning forward and letting go, Ari's feet disappeared from view as she pulled herself back onto solid ground.

It felt like there should have been fireworks or some celebration to the moment. Maybe the first light of dawn should have peeked over the horizon. But the truth is, in all of its splendor, it was an ordinary moment. That was the beauty.

"I'll be back, Ariana Vargas. I'm sure you'll do great things."


End file.
